Welcome to Honestly Written!

Jan 14, 2024

I’m fired up. Today is a good day because I am writing.

But there have been many, many days when I could not write. Something was wrong with me, something far more sinister than mere writer’s block.

My whole life I had just been getting by, pushing on despite the dogged feeling that I was bad. Don’t get me wrong; I got stuff done. I made friends, went to university and scraped a degree, moved country and learned another language, married someone I shouldn’t have and survived the divorce, met the man that I was supposed to love and had the most beautiful cherub of a child you could imagine.

But as all that was going on, the light inside me was dwindling. I had been treading water for so long and my arms were tired. And finally, inevitably, I went to pieces.

I think it all started to come apart when I was pregnant. My central nervous system, in all her twisted wisdom, decided that it was the perfect time to push my childhood trauma to the surface. I was about to become a mother, stare into the innocent eyes of my future, but all I could think about were the monsters of my own childhood.

My daughter was born. It was incredible. The love was immense. There is no ecstasy pill or acid tab in the world that compares with postpartum oxytocin. That is some good shit. But about four months in, I gave up breastfeeding and this is when I think mother nature decided to cut me off. Well, let me tell you, the come down was rough. So I did what any lifelong problem-drinker would do. I hit the bottle – hard.

My descent into horrific alcoholism was terrifyingly rapid. In no time at all, a matter of weeks, I was a mid-morning drunk. I consider myself extremely fortunate in this regard, because by the time my daughter was only eight months old, I was in addiction treatment.

That was a year and a half ago. My daughter is two, I am 39, I am sober and loved, I am facing the trauma, building my self-esteem, and to my great amazement, I am writing.

So, why the writing? And what’s the whole honesty thing about?

I think I was born with a loud inner voice. I was a sensitive girl – easily moved, often upset and always in awe. Because I was this way, I had long conversations with myself. When I got to adulthood I began to feel the need to get the long conversations out of my body and on to a page. I tried, but I couldn’t make it happen and now, I understand why.

Writing comes from the innards via the soul. And it needs silence to be able to make that journey. For the first time in my life, there is some silence within me. There are days when my innards speak and I actually hear what they are trying to say. My soul is on the mend too and the words are finding their way out.

So, I guess I am writing because, finally, I can. But there are other reasons, too. 1,040 hours of group-therapy (and counting) has given me lots of material to work with. Therapy has become the home I have long needed. In therapy, I have also learned to say what I actually think and feel. I have heard a thousand honest stories from the other patients in therapy. I have fallen in love with honesty. Honesty is healing me.

Some months ago my psychologists said I was well enough to take up a new hobby. My innards spoke: “that lovely, kind woman from work has a writing group, doesn’t she? Ask her about it, go on.”

I am so happy I did. In the writing group I have found yet another home. People who are weird in the same way as me. Support. Encouragement. And again, honesty.

I have created Honestly Written because I need to get the stories out, but also because I have a new-found belief in the transformative power of honesty. Life is hard and the world is mad. Maybe we can help each other out if we are straight with each other.

There will be stories from therapy, musings on addiction, explorations of motherhood, questions about identity, odes to home, and some silly stuff too. I can’t guarantee it will all be dazzling and I know there will be typos. I can’t even promise it will always be 100% honest because honesty is something I have to work at. What I can pledge is that honesty will always, always be my intention when I write.

I hope you find something true for yourself in what you read here.